Top 10 Computer Fears On Halloween

Threat Level: Non-existent



What happens: Something clicks inside increasingly complex computers and they develop artificial intelligence ... which for some reason, is always accompanied by a malevolent desire to exterminate all us flesh sacks.



Why it isn't really that scary: Because it's nowhere close to happening

Real-life warning signs: Neural networks, Al Gore



Hollywood versions: Terminator series, Matrix series, Futurama, I, Robot

Threat Level: Negligible



What happens: The supercomputer controlling the North American Aerospace Defense Command decides it would be fun to play "Global Thermonuclear War" over an acoustic coupler modem, using real nukes.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because of tic-tac-toe, that's why

Real-life warning sign: Matthew Broderick's career

Hollywood version: WarGames

Threat Level: Negligible



What happens: Bored, misanthropic geeks electronically vandalize your online profile, break into your e-mail and post embarrassing private photos of you for all the world to see.



Why it isn't really that scary: Because nobody knows who you are or cares about your Facebook page



Real-life warning sign: The Sarah Palin e-mail hack



Hollywood version: The Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan MySpace leaks

Threat Level: Minor

What happens: National security spooks monitor the entirety of globally transacted data and swoop in to disappear private citizens at the first sign of a thought-crime

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because even the NSA doesn't have the technology to sift through zettabytes of data just to pinpoint that one time you used the word "marijuana" in a telephone conversation

Real-life warning sign: The Total Information Awareness Program

Hollywood versions: The Conversation, Enemy of the State, Mercury Rising, 1984

Threat Level: Low





What happens: Dirty tricksters from the other political party steal your candidate's votes and give them to the other guy via rigged "black box" voting machines.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because John McCain knows even less about computers than the average ACORN canvasser

Real-life warning sign: 2004 election in Cuyahoga County, Ohio

Hollywood versions: Hacking Democracy, Recount, Election

THREAT LEVEL: Low

What happens: Citizens with networked devices tattooed, cuffed or surgically inserted are tracked, hypnotically directed or even killed by nefarious forces.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Actually, it's scary as hell

Real-life warning signs: House-arrest ankle monitors, hackable Medtronic implanted heart defibrillators



Hollywood versions: Scanners, Disturbia

Threat Level: Medium



What happens: Human programming error due to incompetence and/or laziness leads to ticking time bomb in crucial computer code that runs the world, causing planes to fall out of the sky or at least some elevators to temporarily get stuck in between floors; alternatively, a computer virus causes this.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because Y3K is still another 992 years away



Real-life warning signs: The Y2K bug, the ILOVEYOU virus



Hollywood version: The Simpsons' 1999 Halloween Special, Hackers

Threat Level: Low

What happens: Computer geniuses in the employ of the Russian mob take over your bank account, VISA card, home equity line of credit, Blockbuster Rewards points, etc., sending you into a downward spiral of financial ruin.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because, let's face it, you don't have enough money for anybody to really be bothered

Real-life warning sign: The TJX data heist



Hollywood versions: The Net, Swordfish, 23, Sneakers

Threat Level: Fair



What happens: Malfunctioning hardware or software results in disproportionate, difficult-to-fix problems that eventually start killing people, possibly even culminating in exchange of nukes with Russia.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because Sarah Palin will warn us before missiles reach "Lower 48"

Real-life warning signs: Tens of thousands of travelers stranded at LAX International Terminal for nearly 12 hours due to faulty network interface card, bug in software controlling Therac-25 radiation therapy machine kills at least five

Hollywood version: Fail-Safe, 2001: A Space Odyssey

Threat Level: High

What happens: A disgruntled IT employee brings down the company.

Why it isn't really all that scary: Because, um, you're the disgruntled IT employee?

Hollywood version: Office Space

Real-life warning signs: Terry Childs